This Christmas - Part IV

PART IV

There was an immediate connect between the two of them.. Communication is as stimulating as black coffee; and its just as hard to sleep after.. that is the perfect description of the experience the two of them had for the following two weeks... she could speak to him like she could to no other.. and of course the feeling was mutual... there was no dependency derivative of the way their emotions were characterised for each other...

and she wondered was it a mere coincidence that she met him?? or was it a celestial conspiracy?? or was it just one of Cupid's cruel pranks...

Christmas had gone past and the Church was back to being her haven.. but was it hers alone??? as she sat reading the last few pages of her book.. (the ones where the drama resonates and the "happy ending".. Steve quietly came by and sat beside her.. "oops i dint realise when you came" she said with a smile.. "not a long while ago.. dint want to intrude into the satisfaction of the story culminating into a happy ending" and she thought "never could you intrude"...

he waited for her to finish the book... and then he said "i want to ask you something"..
"well go on"
"have you heard the parable of the beautiful heart?" he asked..
the blankness on her face told him she hadn't.... so began telling her the story.. he couldn't have gotten more cliched she thought.. because he began "once upon a time".. it brought a smile to her face nonetheless... :)

he told her about a young man who boasted of having the most beautiful heart in the world.. it was flawless... and everyone admired it.. but then an old man walked up to him and said that he had a more beautiful heart.. the young man asked him if he was joking because his heart was full of scars and tears... and the old man explained that every scar represents the person to whom he had given his love.. and sometimes the person hasn't returned the love which is represented by the empty gouges.. which remind him of the love he has for those people.. and that is true beauty..

tears swelled up in her eyes.. and he looked to her and said.. "you have the most beautiful heart in the world.. your love is unfathomable..." he paused... took her hand and said "give me a chance.. give me a chance to love you... love you so much so as to fill all the empty gouges"....

With tears of joy she said "I do.."

This Christmas - Part III

PART - III

" hi.. i'm steve... i was just wondering.." she cut him in ansd asked "what"
"well i come to the Church often enough.. ive seen many people giving the beggars money.. or left over food.. but today was the first time i saw someone giving away their freshly packed lunch.."
oblivious to the fact that he was looking.. she took out her freshly packed lunch and gave it to the old lady who came to her begging for some money...

breaking the silence he said "i thought that was really sweet" she dint know what to say.. but to avoid further conversation she said a polite thank you and continued reading.. he kept looking at her.. and she continued to read pretending not to notice.. but ofcourse she couldn't concentrate on what she was reading.. she urged to tell him ,"dude why don't you just go on and mind your business"

she looked up to tell him just that.. but she looked straight into his eyes.. his brown coffee eyes.. and there was something which told her there is more to him than meets the eye.. "so what kind of books do you read??.." the conversation began.. and on it went.. suddenly realising she was late for work... and she left for work.. but not before there was the expected exchange of mobile numbers and a smiling see you soon...

to be contd...

This Christmas - Part II

PART - II

and with the smirky smile he communicated "i know what the superstition associated with the mistletoe is". and with flushed red cheeks she left.

walking to her favourite spot in vast opens of the Church..categorising the guy as the typical one moms told their darling daughters to stay away.. she sat.. as usual with her novel.. to read in peace.. but peace was elusive...

his image with that smile on his face was frozen in her mind.. she couldn't see anything beyond.. and not like that was enough to keep her distracted for atleast a week.. he walked up to her and asked if she would mind if he sat beside her.. and it was just one of the times when she couldn't say a no...

he sat there beside her.. and she continued to read her book.. with no sign to show how perturbed she was.. calm and ease were the only emotions she displayed.. and then the inevitable happened... he began a conversation...

uh thankfully it wasn't the stereotype "have we met earlier?" or "do i know you".. sweetly introducing himself he said "hi.. i'm...

to be contd...

This Christmas???

PART - I

She had a twinkle in her eyes.. like the twinkle of the stars she loved staring at.. her motto in life was to lover never to be loved.. to give never to receive.. but she wanted love.. she was a hopelessly romantic and hopeless dreamer.. a dreamer who dreamt of the perfect fairytale in her life.. just like the ones she had read as she grew up...

it was the season of Christmas.. and she loved it.. she loved everything about it.. it was the season of sharing, caring and joy.. the time she decorated her room.. Put up a sock on the window hoping Santa would reward her for being a good girl the whole year through (that never did happen.. but she never gave up)... the Christmas tree and everything it signified..

she loved going to the Church.. her simple way of finding solace and serenity...

and habitual as it had become.. one day on the way out of the Church she stopped at the door and turned to look at the Cross.. when she turned back she saw him...with beautiful flowers in his hands and their eyes locked (it was like a scene right out of a masala Bollywood movie). He looked up with a smirky smile.. and instinctively she did too... Shocked she was to see a mistletoe there..

to be contd...

can u love me???

Can you ever love me for me..

the real me.. the true me..

with all my imperfections and fallacies...

with me as i am... not as you want me to be...

can you love me even i'm unreasonable..

when i'm stubborn

and cry without a reason??

can you ever love me for the real me

can you ever???

Really???

the movie bug is back... my friend saw rab ne bana di jodi.. and ofcourse unlike me gave a highly negative review.. she said "Shahrukh was confused.. what did he actually want?" and very instinctively i told her he wanted the girl to fall in love with the real him...

that sparked a thought.. in this world of plastic smiles and plastic emotion.. where is the real me? the queen in snow white asked the mirror "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" but what do i see when i try to reflect myself? who do i see?? who is the real me?? do i really exist? or am i lost in the superficial cares of the world?

quite an irony that i'm trying to find the real me considering i'm anonymous..

but i think it is a process.. the real me has just lost the way around.. but i'm sure i'll find the way out... and the rediscovery of self will start soon...

Complexed...

Why do i find myself alone when i need support?? why do i have to weather a storm when i seek solace.. why should i manifest the truth when truth should reveal itself?? why does the society and civilisation created for security become a cause for insecurity?? why is confidence shattered like glass, becoming improbable to rebuild?? why does panic strike and one sense anxiety?? why do i find on a psychoanalysis, feeling of "the blues", melancholy, disinterestedness, apathy, boredom, indecision, hesitation and doubt??

what do you call this vague psychological problem where one has saintly humility, the will to be right,and the ability to do so, and the confidence to stand up, but belligerent argumentativeness, absence of a courageous affirmation, a fallacious attitude??

Dont look for an answer i dont know.. if i knew i would not have asked the question..

i may suffer from an inferiority complex.. but i have a superiority complex too.. because as Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". And adapting from what my friend says.. i am who i am and what i am.. if you cant handle me at my worst.. you sure dont deserve at my best..

JINXED

I'm jinxed, i sure am...
i dont why but i know i am.
rotten it is.. but thats just my luck
too much of a co-incidence to have
things all in a muck..


A superstition or a curse
or am i tempting fate???
for good things to happen late
and misfortune become my mate...

Like "Friday the thirteenth" i'm hexed too..
Leaving me not only vexed about also perplexed...
i wonder if if i'll ever be able to break the spell
and that only time will tell...

Insecure.. who me???

I finally i think i know what is wrong..

i thought its just the cyclical mood swings.. but now i guess there is more to it.. the emotional insecurity and the paranoia... the lack of unconditional love (which really is notional because i know i have parents and friends who love me for who i am, or atleast i hoping so), the feeling that my flaws are camouflaged than my redeeming qualities.. its just that period where the resilience to handle pressure has broken and the defence mechanism crumbled...

the problem has presented itself at the surface.. but what is the root of the problem?? I dont know.. or.. may be i do.. but just dont want to talk about it..

chasing the image of perfection has led to judgment and self-rejection. inspite of success there is no sense of Euphoria only the feel of "not being good enough".

it is not as if there is lack of confidence but its the inability to dissolve the "ideal image of perfection", something that has stolen the joy from little things in life.. from a hearty laughter, from a cup of coffee, from silly stupid fights.. from the brightness of my favourite flowers..

the remedies that usually work.. reading my inbox.. watching my favourite movies.. a sweet melody.. and freaky conversation... reading a book.. nothing seems to work..

but as they say and i'm sure "This too shall pass"...

Mountain Story - An interesting short story i read

"A son and his father were walking on the mountains.Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"He receives the answer: "Who are you?"And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"The voice answers: "I admire you!"Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"He receives the answer: "Coward!"He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"The voice answers: "You are a champion!"The boy is surprised, but does not understand.Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.It gives you back everything you say or do.Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

this is a story i read sometime back and i think it is a completely apt one to what i feel right now..

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!"-- Unknown Author

What do you do when no one sees your point of view, and even better dont even try... they way you feel natural easy and pure like sunlight from the sun... and to top it all emotional attitude being highly negative??? when you dont find a calming warming and loving influence... when sorry does not seem to take the guilt away.. when life has so much to offer but your plate is already too full...

Reality is "that which appears to be" but what appears to me does not to anyone else..

what do you do when no one agrees with your interpretations and perceptions??

when your brain is propelled with the explosion of thoughts and your heart with feelings??

when you cant communicate and be vocal??? of course no one is being receptive!!!

i know its abstract.. but.. when nothing seems to being right.. take a detour... so dont try finding me..

Did he deserve a second chance???

life does not always give a second chance... and being a victim of that myself i thought i was being nice in giving him a second chance... a chance to redeem himself and wipe away that hurt he gave.. nobody is perfect.. and to err is human.. life is too short to hold grudges.. and so i decided to forgive and move on.. start afresh.. but then history does repeat itself.. and too soon at that..
and then when i read somewhere i realised "first time shame on him, second time shame on you, for being so stupid tio let him back knowwing he'd already done it once"

and now.. i turned the page, turned the chapter and closed the book.. but the thought remains.. "did he deserve a second chance???"